wish list

Dear Santa

Here’s what this academic hopes to find under the tree next week:

  • A ball gag and the judgment to use it – on myself so that I stop being the mouthiest person in the room (every room), because it only makes meetings last longer. Actually, Santa? I’ll take a dozen. 
  • A family broker: someone to set reasonable expectations and work out schedules and assuage hurt feelings and plan a menu that suits the four-year-old and the 64-year-old.
  • Justice. Go big, Santa.
  • Hey, Santa, can you make it so that the very first day of this semester break lasts forever, so that I can dwell at the delicious beginning of a fabulous utopia where I sleep when I’m tired and read what I like and eat nothing but the most delectable food? Stop time, just for a day or so at the beginning.
  • A clone.
  • Could you please send the filing fairies to my office? If you have leftover fairy power, maybe some could be put to work on these writing projects, which I know are here … somewhere. Also a grading fairy, if you don’t mind. 
  • A date with Lisbeth Salander.
  • Oh, a new federal administration. Liberal, New Democrat, Bloq Quebecois, Green, Marijuana Party, coalition – I don’t care! But this Harper crap has Got To Go.
  • Vanishing email. Or maybe just a new, supersecret email address.
  • A quick resolution to the sexual assault charges against Julian Assange. 
  • A ban on the verb “enhance.”
  • Less winter, more sun, and an old-fashioned wife for my partner and me, to make doctor’s appointments and pick up cat food and keep track of the housekeys and get a hot meal on the table. You can call him/her “an assistant” if you want, but please write back and let me know you’re clear on the concept. Also a yard butch and a basement boy. I promise, Santa, I’ve been super good this year!
    Oops! How did this Alexander McQueen dress get on the list?

3 thoughts on “Dear Santa

  1. Best Dear Santa ever. I really hope you get everything on your list, especially the wife/assistant and yard butch. If you get the McQueen, will you do an outfit post?


  2. Let's all get one of those dresses and wear them to work! Wouldn't that befuddle the Powers That Be if all female academics showed up for work wearing the same fabulous dress.


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